Light in the Dark
by E-chan5
Summary: During the Buu saga, when Gohan had just been smacked around by Buu, and he's laying in the field after Kaioushin blew up the energy ball that pushed him there. His thoughts on mostly his little brother.


The full realization of this predicament I've landed myself in has never really hit home until now. I mean, you think I'd have more sense than to simply charge head-on into battle without a plan and, frankly, without a brain.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I still have to try." Those were my words to Kaio- shin when I moronically tried to kill Buu before he hatched. Now, I'm lying half-dead in some God-forsaken field, oozing blood from every orifice and pore residing on my skin, and a strange thought struck me; I wonder what everyone is doing now?  
  
Do they know what happened to me? I can't move, and I'm betting I probably won't be able to for a while. Maybe they think I'm dead; my ki is so low that they probably can't detect it. I wonder what they'd say if I really was dead. They'd be glad; I wouldn't blame them either. They'd say things like, "Oh, that Gohan, he was weak anyways. Now we can concentrate on more important things than babysitting him."  
  
I'm a moron sometimes. I can't believe I hadn't figured out that Vegeta-san and Dad could go past a Super Saiya-jin when I saw them today. Goten has more sense than me.  
  
Speak of the little devil; I wonder what kind of mischief he and Trunks are getting into. Usually if I'm not watching them, they do something destructive and dangerous and nearly get themselves killed. I love them both so much.  
  
Shit; I just thought of something. They probably felt the raised kis over there and probably are on their way to investigate; hell, they're probably already there. They're gonna find Buu, and being the naïve little kids they are, they're probably going to challenge Buu.and get themselves killed. But this time there won't be any Gohan rushing to their rescue; he's to busy being weak right now. Sorry, Goten, your brother is sleeping and he can't save your life. Suffer instead.  
  
No wonder Father stayed away; if I had a kid like me, I'd stay away, too. He and Goten seem to really love each other.I can't believe I robbed Goten of a life with a father. I need to face it; all these years, I've tried to avoid it, tried to skirt around the truth, but the fact of the matter is.I'm the cause of everybody's pain. If I had just listened to him, if I had just listened to what he was saying-it made so much sense!- then I could have taken Cell out and Father would still be alive. He'd be here to save everyone, like he used to.  
  
I think I'm crying. Well, there's wetness on my cheeks and I can't tell whether it's blood or tears; I'm pretty sure of the latter. I miss Dad so much. More than I ever thought I could miss anyone. I wanted to kill myself; have I ever really admitted that? Out loud or in my mind? I wonder; I don't know. But the thing is, I was in the process of deciding how to take my life-conventional methods such as a bullet or knife wouldn't work on a demi-saiya-jin -when Mom came in, sat me down, and told me she was pregnant. Then she said something that surprised and even horrified me; she wanted to know if I wanted her to get an abortion. I tried to tell her that it was her decision, and I couldn't choose that for her, but she insisted. She said that if it weren't for me, we'd all be dead anyways. To which I promptly answered with, 'If it weren't for me, Daddy wouldn't be dead.' Her answer was a slap on my face and tears in her eyes. She said that if I ever tried to blame myself again for Dad's death.she never finished that threat, but I knew it wouldn't be pretty. She calmed down and asked me again if I wanted her to get an abortion. I thought about it.and for the briefest of moments, for the closest split second, I was overwhelmed with angst and hatred for the tiny being living inside my mother. I wanted it to die; no, I wished it had never existed.  
  
I'm sick. So positively sick. To think I wanted to take that life away.to think, I had once longed to kill my baby brother. I'm a monster, a pure monster. I look at Goten today and realize life without him there to skip alongside me would be no life at all. He's my ray of light when my skies cloud over. He was my beacon, my lighthouse in the hurricane. He's the candle in the dark, a tiny light everyone can see and notice, and all long to be near it. H-he's simply.there. I think he's as close to perfection as is possible.  
  
As quickly as my hatred had come, it left. I had a feeling of my father standing behind me, waiting for my decision, and I knew; I knew then, I had to keep this baby. This last piece of Father, it was all I would have left. I was-and still am-overwhelmed with guilt and utter disgust at my fleeting emotions. Goten incubated-no, he grew.he glowed- inside my mother for agonizing months. I wanted to see him now, right away. I didn't want to wait for my new sibling.  
  
Was I surprised when Mom showed me a tiny replica of my father in that hospital room. Goten had his hair, his eyes, his face, his laugh and smile. As he grew, we also noticed he had Dad's innocence, care for everyone and thing, and unconditional, untraceable, nearly irresponsible love for everyone around him. He even got Vegeta to warm up to him; Vegeta calls him 'Goten,' not 'Kakarott's brat' like he still does to me. I even once caught Vegeta patting Goten's hair in a display of affection; but he never caught me. Still hasn't.  
  
My father isn't perfect. He's far too trusting and too naïve to be perfect. He's the most loving man I know, and probably ever will. But there's something about Goten. Sure, he's innocent, but he's innocent and wise at the same time. It's like he can smell danger a mile away; I'm almost convinced he actually can. He's trusting, but he, unlike my father, knows when to trust and when to remain firm. He allows Trunks to push him around, but I know the truth; Goten is the one who protects Trunks.  
  
I take it back; Goten has one flaw. He's too generous. My family is poor, but not in poverty. We can afford to put food on the table and pay the bills, but we won't be able to for long. I'm pretty sure I'll have to quit school and get a job if we don't find some form of income soon. Dad's reserves from the tournaments are running low. But Goten is something else entirely.  
  
I noticed something off when Goten started bringing an extra plate to the table, a few months before I started school. We always just thought he was really hungry, like my dad always was, so we dismissed it when he seemed to eat extra. Key word: seemed. I found him scooping some of his portions of vegetables and side dishes onto the plate and hiding it from Mom. At first I thought he was just trying to get out of having to eat his vegetables, but I followed him one day to find out where he went every night after dinner; Mom and I had always thought he just went out to play or explore or even do a little alone training.  
  
That wasn't the case.  
  
I followed Goten until he came to a river; I was kind of confused. Why would Goten drag a plate loaded down with food to a riverbank? Then he stripped of his clothes, dove into the water, and emerged a few minutes later with a huge fish. Then he dressed and began to lug the fish and the plate a while longer down the road. After about ten miles of trailing him, it had grown fairly dark, and Goten had upped his power level to keep a little light and to keep the food warm, along with cooking the fish at the same time. It smelled great.  
  
However, what I found greatly surprised me.  
  
Goten walked right up to a decrepit old shack; it was nearly just a pile of wood on a foundation. He knocked on the door, and a small, dirty face answered the door. "It's the angel!" she had cried over her shoulder; she couldn't have been over four. Then she grabbed Goten's wrist and hauled him inside.  
  
I peeked in through a window to find a family of three sitting on a bare floor, three small mats and blankets strewn on the dirty floorboards. There was a short, small table in the center, in which the family was crowded all around. Goten giggled and walked over to the table, setting the plate of steaming vegetables on the table. The family-a son of around ten, the daughter of four, and the thin, frail mother seeming to be in her late twenties-attacked the vegetables, devouring them almost as quickly as a saiya-jin would. While this happened, Goten preceded to use a switchblade he had managed to smuggle out of the house to cut up the fried fish. He dealt out huge portions to each of the family members, leaving a miniscule amount for himself. He quickly ate his fish, and was content to see the starving family get something to eat. After dinner, the mother when to work trying to put the little girl to sleep while Goten and the boy played and talked with each other. Afterwards, when the little girl was asleep, the mother came over and kissed Goten's forehead, crying and calling him an angel of mercy over and over again. Goten looked embarrassed, a blush on his cheeks, but thanked her and said he needed to be going. Then he said something I didn't expect:  
  
"I'll be back tomorrow, same time as usual."  
  
This is what Goten did every night. This is why Goten snuck food from the table and this is why he always came back with a huge smile on his face and not a scratch or smudge on his body.  
  
Goten was an angel of mercy.  
  
I'll never forget that night. To think, my little brother-he was only six-was doing these things for people he hardly knew was.overwhelming. How could he be so caring? He's so selfless; I wouldn't put it past him to give them his own dinner, if necessary. We all know how much saiya-jins like their dinners.  
  
Well, I'm dying now. I'm fairly sure of it. It's getting harder and harder to breathe, and my body feels like it's getting heavier by the second. Sure, I'll get to see Dad again, but who'll be there for Goten? Mom's nice and good and all, but there's some things you need a brother for.  
  
Well, I only have myself to blame. Stay strong, Goten; take good care of Mom, like Dad always did. You'll grow up to be a great man someday, even if I'm not there to be there for you. Make Father and I proud. 


End file.
